Philzone.org Discussion Board: Archive 2004: Hep C Archive: Happy Holidays!

Little Rebecca comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Christmas.
"Since Christmas is for Christians and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God
get mad at me for giving someone a Christmas card?"
Rebecca's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe
we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other
kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Rebecca, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Rebecca says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of him and send him back to hell where he belongs."

ROTFLMAO

Funny....LMFAO too.

Not Funny either.....
I can see how all this love shared by the US is going over really huge in Iraq and Afganistan. Somehow I fail to see how even a grieving parent who just received a knock at their door from military officials announcing their loved one has been killed in action would grasp the humour intended.

I doubt there would be anything that would be funny at that point. No matter what the cause of passing was...

If we're going to ban jokes, could we ban the political rhetoric as well. Granted some of the politics put forth here are by far more humorous than any joke, it is only fair if one source of humor is banned, so should all others.

Be well,
NYJIMMY

Thanks for the holiday story - despite my radical views, I support the freedom America represents. Peace

back on topic....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It
represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates"
Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said "you may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately
through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St.Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"







The man replied, "They're Carols".

ha ha ha that one was funny
carol

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce
the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the
pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed
Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had
hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that
mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

I have a feeling the child is really related to the Bush family who ain't got religion!

sigh................

Please keep the jokes coming, I've been feeling like hell for so long a good laugh helps from time to time, especially between puking from the politics.

>THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Don't forget our phearless leader; Hepman.
Some krazy and phunny hep humour shit here:

http://tinpan.fortunecity.com/floyd/587/framelaff.htm

Shelly, I got a notion the baby Jesus had much darker skin than the Bush clan do.

Daniel, doggonit stay "back on topic"! that's not a Christmas story, but LOL!

David, thanks for turning us newbies on to Hepman! What took ya so long?

SEASONS GREETINGS (after the lawyers were done)

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .

. . . and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,

arrived on time,

helped deliver the baby,

cleaned the stable,

made a casserole, and,

brought practical gifts.

There was a man who wanted to find the perfect gift for his wife. He went to the store and asked the salesclerk and asked him what he should get his wife. The salesclerk brought out a parrot. The salesclerk said, this is no ordinary parrot, if you light a match under it's right foot, it plays Silent Night, if you light a match under it's left foot, it plays Santa Claus is Coming to Town. The salesclerk made sure to tell him that the name of the parrot is Chet.

The man thought it would be great, so he took it home. He let his wife open it early, since it was a living thing. He told her what great songs it played. They wondered what it would play if they lit a match under it's crotch. So, they did. The parrot sang "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire."

Just got my computer back and up and running.....missed everyone.
Rose, I too am sorry about your grandma and you will be in my thoughts this weekend as I know Monday is your big day!

good laughs everyone! I could give a rat's pajama's what the topic is as long as it give's you a chuckle. So keep em comin' I'll just skip anything that seems offensive.
Peace and wishes for SVR
Ceilidh

You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
You really are a heel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're as charming as an eel.
Mr. Grinch.
You're a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.
You're a monster, Mr. Grinch.
Your heart's an empty hole.
Your brain is full of spiders,
You've got garlic in your soul.
Mr. Grinch.
I wouldn't touch you, with a
thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.
You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch.
You have termites in your smile.
You have all the tender sweetness
Of a seasick crocodile.
Mr. Grinch.
Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the seasick crockodile.
You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch.
You're a nasty, wasty skunk.
Your heart is full of unwashed socks
Your soul is full of gunk.
Mr. Grinch.
The three words that best describe you,
are, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk."
You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch.
You're the king of sinful sots.
Your heart's a dead tomato splot
With moldy purple spots,
Mr. Grinch.
Your soul is an apalling dump heap overflowing
with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable
rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.
You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch.
With a nauseaus super-naus.
You're a crooked jerky jockey
And you drive a crooked horse.
Mr. Grinch.
You're a three decker saurkraut and toadstool
sandwich
With arsenic sauce.

Thanks for everything on this thread!!!!!! A few of these are like I felt with the Hepman site, I hate to admit I laughed, but, I did. Laughter is awesome. Peace (with smiles!)

'Twas the day before Christmas
And all through the cave
Not a shred of tobaccy
I'm starting to rave!

All my pipes they were lonely
How I needed a smoke
As far as the weed
You know I was just broke.

To the store I must go
To recharge the supplies
Might as well bring extra pipes
To share with the guys!

On Talbert, on Tinsky
On Paul Bonaquisti!
On Duhill, on Matzhold,
On Lindner and Viprati!

This time of year
There's no one who's naughty!
On Ashton, Don Carlos, and Claudio Cavicchi!
It's time for celebration and some pipers they need me.

And lo, though I'd want
To share with all.
My sleigh just can't insure
That I'd manage such gall.

So instead I would wish,
for all of you
That that each of your wishes
Would surely come true.

We are all truly blessed
This time of year
May your hearts overflow
With warmth and good cheer.

BOB RIVERS - O COME ALL YE GRATEFUL DEADHEADS

O come, all ye Grateful,
Deadheads to the concert.
O come, Grateful Deadheads,
And camp in the street.
Bring rolling papers,
Don't forget your sleeping bags.
O come get us some floor seats,
We've followed them for four weeks,
O come get us some floor seats,
To see the Lord.
O come, all ye hippies,
Throwbacks to the Sixties.
Paint flowers on your van,
And don't wash your feet.
Wear your bell-bottoms,
And your tie-dye t-shirts.
O come let us adore them,
We've quit our day jobs for them,
O come let us adore, them,
Garcia's the Lord.