Philzone.org Discussion Board: Archive 2004: Hep C Archive: NEED A LITLLE HELP FROM MY PFRIENDS !!!

I AM SITTING UP THIS MORNING, UNABLE TO SLEEP AND
WAITING FOR MY APPOINTMENT IN BOZEMAN (BOZOLAND),
TO HAVE MY LIVER TESTED WITH ULTRASOUND !!
SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE ZONE WITH MY NEW
PFAMILY,BUT WITH THE WEATHER CHANGE I CAUGHT MYSELF ONE HELL OF A COLD,AND HAVE BEEN DEATHLY
SICK THE LAST FEW DAYS ! I WENT TO SEE MY DOCTOR,
AND WE TALKED ABOUT THE PROGRESSION OF THE DISEASE,AND GOT MORE BLOOD TESTS, AND WE SETUP AN
APPOINTMENT FOR THIS MORNING TO SEE A SPECIALIST
IN BOZEMAN FOR A ABDOMINAL ULTRASOUND- WHAT EVER
THAT IS SUPPOSE TO BE !! TO ME IT SOUNDS LIKE
ANOTHER WAY OF BEING JACKED AROUND !!!
I FILLED OUT AND SENT FORMS TO THE VETERANS AFFAIRS TO SEE IF THEY WILL SUPPLY MY TX, FOR ME,
BECAUSE MY DOCTOR FEELS ITS TIME TO GET STARTED
ON IT !!! FOR MYSELF, I AM VERY UNSURE IF I AM
GOING TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE SIDE EFFECTS TO
WELL !! I REALLY FEAR THAT THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE
GOING TO MAKE MY OTHER DISABILITIES WORSE AND
CAUSE MY MANIC DEPRESSION, TO FLARE OUT OF HAND !!
I AM TRYING SO HARD TO FIGHT THIS OLD DRAGON,BUT
AT TIMES I STILL FEEL SO WEAK AND HELPLESS !!!
I GUESS NOW THAT I HAVE ROBIN WHO DEARLY LOVES ME,
I WANT TO FULFILL HER DREAM OF A LONG LIFE TOGETHER, BUT SOMETHING IN ME TELLS ME, ITS NOT
GOING TO BE!!! SHE IS AWARE OF MY DISEASE, AND AS
SHE HAS TOLD ME THAT SHE IS WORRIED ABOUT ME!!
I HATE THE FACT THAT SHE IS LOCKED UP, AND WOULDN'T BE GETTING OUT UNTIL MAYBE 2006 OR LATER,
BUT MY HANDS ARE TIED!! LATELY, I HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH HOPE SHE HAS BEEN GIVING
ME, AND HOW HOPELESS I STILL FEEL !!!!

THE OLD HIPPY/DEADHEAD ......

BRUCE

In all seriousness I would say that if you are not on anti d's it might be time to check into those and get leveled out on them before going much further down the path to tx.

There are meds to combat the feelings you are having so try and find what works best for you. The whole process of tx will f*** with your mind.

Kevin...
Thank you! when i saw my doctor on Nov.29th, he
also suggested and offered anti-depressives to me,
but as i explained to him, that i took myself off
the last anti-depressives i was taking because
they were a treat to my life ! In 2002, I was
taking Wellbutrin, and during one of my real bad
manic depressions, I took 1000 mg of the medication in an attempt to end my life ! I have
been diagnosed as a manic depressive with suicidal
thoughts and tendencies/paranoid schizonhenia,
which my disability is based on ! when I am in a
really bad manic depressive stage, I am considered
a treat to myself and my life !!! Anyway, I feel
that a medication is out of the question, cuz if
I should fall into another episode as before, I
would probably try it again, but next time I
would probably not fail like before !! So I guess
that I will just have to do as I have been doing,
and depend on Medical Marijuana to help control
my depressions !! But sometimes i do wish that the
last time I tried to end my life, that I would
have had succeeded,cuz I would have solved the
problem of not having to go through all the
suffering i have been going through with the Hep-C
lately !!!

Bruce

Bruce,

I think a good many on tx take anti-d's too. It appears that depression is a symptom of hep-c... I am looking forward to the end of tx and things going back to better than they were before.

Consider your doctors advice seriously... and I will keep you in my prayers...

Dan

Bruce
The fact that you are able to at least see the situation and write about it objectively is a very good sign. I think that alone suggests that you are in a better space now than before.
If you look at the whole tamale all at once, it can seem pretty overwhelming. Start with 1 piece at a time and deal with only the stuff that you can right now. I think Kevin might be right- maybe you ARE ready to responsibly consider anti-D's before dealing with the Dragon. Seems you are at least able to consider it honestly.
Deal with that to get ready to battle the Dragon, you might be able to have it all dealt with before Robin is ready to travel.
Good luck in Bozeman- the ultrasound is no big deal at all. I wanted to take a nap during mine.
Stay close, come back and let us know how things went today.

Bruce,
Hey bud! You know there are several different types of anti-D's, so sometimes it takes a few attempts to find one that may help you.....but, I wouldn't give up on that idea, as Kev & Walt have also suggested. Remember, your talking to several pholks here who have gone through this ordeal, and we all know so well that the riba-rage can be difficult to deal with to say the least.
One thing however, and that is.....don't
be scared off by everyone carrying on about the awful side-effects. For some it's worse than others....but that doesn't mean yours will be that bad, and alot of it is mental also. Try to stay as positive as possible. I know that my 2nd attempt with Interferon was MUCh, MUCH easier than the first go around. The pegysys I personally feel is just not as harsh.

....Anyway, PLEASE......if you ever start
having any thoughts of suicidal tendecies at all, don't hesitate to call me...AT ANY TIME!! I'm totally serious my friend. I do have experience in this area, having a brother that committed suicide, and dealing with those same anxieties myself. I won't go any further into at this time, ut I will drop you an e-mail if it's in your profile with my ph.no#.


I serious think some medication will help you though in getting through the Interferon tx. Just think brother......if you weren't a worthwhile person, would all these pholks be here, spending our time reaching out to you to help. You are one of God's beautiful creations and certainly worthy of our friendship and care.
Take it easy on yourself.....and get yourself well man. You want to be there for Robin when she gets out don't you, and just think....if you could say you were Hep-C free when that event comes. WOW.....would that be cool or what?

hang in there check if any one wants to change phone numbers email me anytime You are in my prayers and my drum can work when I'm up to snuff

Bruce hang in there if any one wants to change phone numbers email me anytime You and all are in my prayers and my drum can works good when I'm up to snuff

Brother Bruce....Please consider working with a Doctor you trust to find the right combination of medicines to help you with your emotional illness before you start Combo TX. for Hep C.

I can tell you from my own experience that the Hep meds WILL have an emotional effect on your manic/depression and as Martin has said it sometimes takes several tries to find the right medicine or combinations of medicines before you find what helps YOUR condition.

This is a very important part in your battle with the Dragon...I wish you success and peace...mack

a double post another brain fart brought to you by Rob the Drummer

First of, Thank you everyone, for your loving caring support, caregiving, and love !!!
Well, I am back from my appointment, and I guess
all I can say is.... what an experience !!
That ultrasound was strange, to say the least !!!
By the time I was done, i was starting to feel
like a greased pig with all that stuff all over
my entire abdominal area !!! ha ha ha !!
personally, i don't think that this was the best
test to determine the progression of the Hep-c,but
it was interesting to see the imagery of my liver,
spleen, and other internal parts !! And it was
real nice having a beautiful, sexy,scandinavian
technician lady, doing the ultrasound on me !!!!
After she was done,she left, and the specialist
came in and did scans on me also, then told me
that he saw no liver damage, so even though this
test is the best test,maybe I wouldn't need a
biopsy, but if I do then I will do it !!! I see
my doctor again on Dec.29th, and at that time we
will go over the results of the latest blood works
as well as for the results from this ultrasound !!
But I feel alot better now that I got this test
completed, and I feel more confidence now, and i
plan to slay this Dragon !!!!! I will check into
other antidepressives, because you are all so right about dealing with the manic depressions first !!! But I still believe the best
anti-depressive medicine that has worked so far is
the Medical Marijuana, at least for me and I can't
O.D. on Marijuana !!! ha..ha..ha !!!!
Thank you all again !!!!!

Your old Hippy/Deadhead Bro,

Bruce

Johnny come lately; here as usual. The only test for liver disease progression is a biopsy. I believe the ultrasound is used just to see gall bladder stones, liver abnormalities or presense of tumors(hcc).
Personally speaking, this being my third round of treatments...
My first two tx attempts were undertaken with the help(?)of anti-d's. My experiences and thoughts is that they had NO benefit whatsoever in helping deal with tx side effects. I tried them all. Paxil, Zoloft, Wellbutrin and others. If best they left me to lathargic to do anything productive. I feel they helped NOT with depression, anxiety or rage issues. This time around I've opted to go it without the goofy pills. I find my sleep patterns, appetite, and overall mental attitudes so much better this go at treatments. Mind you, I'm also doing an 18 month/double dosage regimen of Pegs and Ribas. At 41 weeks into it, I feel without doing the pharmi supplied anti-d's I've faired so much better this merry go-round of treatments so far. The only relaxer and mood enhancer medically I use now is rolled or packed in a bowl and smoked. So far...so good. No...I've never seen an OD on the doobie either.
Lot's of vets I know have not had any probs getting approved through the Vets Admin. Used to be that they were using Scherings brand of pegylated interferon(Peg/Intron) but now use both that and Pegasys/Copagus. Having done both Scherings and now Roche Pegasys I'd go for the later choice of meds. My personal experience is that the Pegasys is easier tolerated with less side effects. My personal observation is that the more shitty side effects one experiences lead eventually to depression and mental issues. I've had very little side effects other than joint pains and flulike symptoms(runny nose, fatigue, conjestion, aches and pains) this time with the Pegasys. Perhaps I'm just somewhat versed on what to expect with these tx but that my $.02 for what it's worth. Hang tough...Keep on keepin' on.

Just an old hippy/deadhead too.
Major Domo

I have been thru much of what you are gong thru, myself inthe past 3 mths. Ups and downs, anger, denial. But I was sent to a shrink for preventative medicine. My Doctor suggest Zoloft as needed. I personally would rather roll another one! I am against all these pharmaceuticals, sorry, but there is a problem with long term drug use of any kind.. ask your organs. I think the waiting for the test, the results, the talks with doctors is the torment.
I have my heart stress test and an MRI to totally scan liver since my load is so high. Next Mondsy I see LiverMan...to go over biopsy. I just got protein test bac...good! But I went thru prerages...waiting for these tests, no sleep, irritable. But I dinot touch any of the antidepressants. I did take a couple of Ambien.
I cannot tell you not to worry cause heck I'm worried...but again I believe that all these great people prove that this is doable. And there is special people here on this zone. Take each day and enjoy it. Next year you and I and others will be telling the newbies we are down to the last TX! I am starting my count at 48 to be different..I think it will sound less over all..Plus I like to confuse everyone. If you ever need to talk eme I will get back to you..
Let me know when you start...I am waiting until after the Holidays.

>Next year you and I and others will be telling the newbies we are down to the last TX!<

Hmmmmm.....I think you may be on to something here. LOL.

This song comes to mind.......

The Wheel

The wheel is turning and you can't slow down,
You can't let go and you can't hold on,
You can't go back and you can't stand still,
If the thunder don't get you then the lightning will.

Won't you try just a little bit harder,
Couldn't you try just a little bit more?
Won't you try just a little bit harder,
Couldn't you try just a little bit more?

Round, round robin run round, got to get back to where you belong,
Little bit harder, just a little bit more,
A little bit further than you gone before.

The wheel is turning and you can't slow down,
You can't let go and you can't hold on,
You can't go back and you can't stand still,
If the thunder don't get you then the lightning will.

Small wheel turn by the fire and rod,
Big wheel turn by the grace of God,
Every time that wheel turn 'round,
Bound to cover just a little more ground.

The wheel is turning and you can't slow down,
You can't let go and you can't hold on,
You can't go back and you can't stand still,
If the thunder don't get you then the lightning will.

Won't you try just a little bit harder,
Couldn't you try just a little bit more?
Won't you try just a little bit harder,
Couldn't you try just a little bit more?

hey everyone thank you so very much for all the
support,love, and caregiving !!!!
i took a long nap after I returned from my appointment and i am feeling great !!!!
put on a Grateful Dead concert- dick's Pick 19 :
Oklahoma city,OK 10/19/1973, and now I am ready
for anything !!! wish I had something to toke on,
but I don't, but thats ok !!!
I plan to be around for a long time now, always
ready to fight and bet this old dragon ONE DAY AT
A TIME, with no regrets !!! Thank You all so much
for being here to lend a loving Hand !!!
I love you all as my Pfriends and Pfamily, and I
will be around if anyone needs my help !!!
We can all slay this Old Dragon together, and as
so well said by all of you- we can all be around to help others through this fight, and to be here
for others !!!!! I am now ready to do whatever is
needed to be done, and willing to try anything,
to be another winner like all of you !!!

Love your Old Hippy/Deadhead Pfriend and
Pfamily -

Bruce

burntbruce@hotmail.com

Sounds like a great inspirational show.
Opening tune:

Promised Land

I left my home in Norfolk Virginia, California on my mind.
Straddled that Greyhound, it rode me past Raleigh, and on across Caroline.

Stopped in Charlotte and bypassed Rock Hill, and we never was a minute late.
We was ninety miles out of Atlanta by sundown, rollin' 'cross the Georgia state.

Had motor trouble it turned into a struggle, half way 'cross Alabam,
the 'hound broke down left us all stranded in downtown Birmingham.

Straight off bought me a through train ticket, right across Mississippi clean
And I was on the midnight flyer out of Birmingham
Smoking into New Orleans.

Somebody help me get out of Louisiana
Just help me get to Houston town.
People are there who care a little 'bout me
And they won't let the poor boy down.

Sure as she bore me, she bought me a silk suit, put luggage in my hands,
And I woke up high over Albuquerque
On a jet to the promised land.

Workin' on a T-bone steak a la carte,
Flying over to the Golden State;
When the pilot told us in thirteen minutes
We'd be headin' in the terminal gate.

Swing low sweet chariot, come down easy
Taxi to the terminal zone;
Cut your engines, cool your wings,
And let me make it to the telephone.

Los Angeles give me Norfolk Virginia,
Tidewater four ten on nine
Tell the folks back home this is the promised land callin'
And the poor boy's on the line.

Whoops...that's 10/23/73 open tune. my bad.

Fairgrounds Arena, Oklahoma City, OK (10/19/73)

Mexicali Blues
Tennessee Jed
Looks Like Rain
Don't Ease Me In
Jack Straw
They Love Each Other
El Paso
Row Jimmy
Playing in the Band

China Cat Sunflower
I Know You Rider
Me and My Uncle
Mississippi Half-Step
Big River
Dark Star
Mind Left Body Jam
Morning Dew
Sugar Magnolia

Eyes of the World
Stella Blue

Johnny B. Goode

Hey Bro-
you are right the first tune is Promised Land,
and thank you for that - I needed that !!!
After attending 143 Grateful Dead Concerts, I still appreciate the music, and live each day to
listening to it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week !!
I have almost everything they have put out on cd,
as well as almost all of the Dick's Picks, and I
have a large collection of Live Grateful Dead on
cassettes ! My home is a Grateful Dead Museum,
as what my friends around here call it anyway !!!
I am working on a web-page of Photos, as well as
a list of all my Grateful Dead collection, so I
can share my Life and Music with Others !!
Whatever works !!!!

The Old Hippy/Deadhead,

Bruce

I find it amazingly extaordinary that old burnt outs can remember our first Grateful Dead experience. I'll be damned...I cannot. I remember the date, day and where I was at the time, but not the show. Do I have an valid excuse for brain fart? You bet.

My first GD show:

Aug. 15,16,17, 1969
Woodstock Music and Arts Exposition
Bethel, NY

550+ GD shows to follow....What A Long Strange Trip It's Been!

>Do I have an valid excuse for brain fart? You bet.<

Musta been that bad batch of brown acid.

Fairgrounds Arena- Oklahoma City, Ok 10/19/1973

Promised Land
Sugaree ***
Mexicali Blues
Tennessee Jed
Looks Like Rain***
Don't Ease Me In
Jack Straw
They Love Each Other ***
El Paso
Row Jimmy

Playing in the Band
China Cat Sunflower
I Know You Rider ***
Me and My Uncle ***
Mississippi Half-Step Uptown Toodeloo ***
Big River

Dark Star ***
Mind Left Body Jam
Morning Dew ***
Sugar Magnolia
Eyes Of the World
Stella Blue ****
Johnny B. Goode

**** My favorites
Note: On the song Sugar Magnolia- The first time
Bobby didn't fuck up the words when
singing it !!!

My first Grateful Dead concert was 10/23/1973
Metropolitian Sports Arena Center, Bloomingston,
Minnesota !

After a week of heavy parties of Drinking and
drugs, at one of the Hells Angels - How many
"Reds" can you eat parties, we all went to the
10/23/1973 Dead concert !!!

What Long Strange Trip that was !!!!

I loved the LSD-25 in vials myself !!!

BurntBruce

Note : "BurntBruce" was given to me by the
Hells Angels (1973) After that concert

Personally speaking ...I've no favorite GD show or song. There are so many to make a choice. The list varies as much as the weather for me. Today it may be Ripple or Morning Dew. Tommorrow; Sugar Magnolia or New Speedway Boogie. Watkins Glen '73 or Boston '91. Cornell '73 or Englishtown '77. Capital Theater '70(NY or NJ) or Winterland '78 It's all a blur.....and all good.

Favorite GD or Jerry memories? That's another whole subject. Those I fondy remember.

fukstix!

dammittall. frigginwinterweather. powersurge. lost it all. kazap kablam. it's all gone. grate story too. oh well...another day.

My second GD show I remember. After experiencing the last fucstix scene here this is all I can muster. oh well.

Band Grateful Dead
Venue Capitol Theater
Location Port Chester, NY
Date 3/20/70b - Friday posters tickets, passes & laminates
One [1:53:31 +] Casey Jones; [0:10] ; Me And My Uncle [3:22] ; [0:42] ; China Cat Sunflower [2:51] > Jam [1:58] > I Know You Rider [4:17] ; [1:38] ; Hard To Handle [6:08] ; [1:44] % Deep Elem Blues [5:30] ; [0:15] ; Friend Of The Devil [3:14] ; [0:28] ; Don't Ease Me In [1:20] > Black Peter [6:00#] % Uncle John's Band [#2:46] ; [0:08] % [0:20 intro] ; Katie Mae [3:38] ; [0:15] % Drums [0:06] > Good Lovin' [1:54] > Drums [2:13] > Not Fade Away [5:14] > Drums [3:05] > Good Lovin' [2:39] ; [0:29] ; Viola Lee Blues [12:20] ; [0:45] High Time [6:38] % [0:16] ; Turn On Your Lovelight [23:51]
Encore [2:21 pause for applause] ; And We Bid You Good Night [2:54] [0:18]
Comments Late Show total time 1:59:04 +. Casey Jones through Hard To Handle is electric Dead, Deep Elem Blues through Katie Mae is acoustic, Good Lovin' through Lovelight is electric. This is all one set; the band never leaves the stage. The circulating tape is missing Casey Jones, which is listed according to DeadBase IX. The circulating SBD contains all but Me And My Uncle and China Cat Sunflower, which are supplied by the AUD, which is excellent AUD; it would be useful to turn up a complete copy of this AUD master, if only to supply the Casey Jones. The Friend Of The Devil has different lyrics. Pigpen concludes Lovelight with "see y'all tomorrow." Catfish was advertised on this bill and probably played an opening set.

Thirdly, my personal Grateful Dead sowhatwhogivesaflyingratsass bragging rights.

I am pictured on three(sorta) GD albums.

1. Live Dead- (crowd scene inside sleeve. superimposed portrait)
2. Dozin' at the Knick- ( front cover. full portrait. I am standing directly behind Rip Van Winkle)
3. My ceramic artwork is pictured on Englishtown 1977 album. The 3 foot tall ceramic hookah on stage directly in front of Jerry, I made.

Today....a NH winter GD song favorite:

Cold Rain and Snow

Well I married me a wife, she's been trouble all my life
Run me out in the cold rain and snow
Rain and snow, run me out in the cold rain and snow

Well she's coming down the stairs, combin' back her yellow hair
And I ain't goin be treated this ol' way

Well she went up to her room where she sang her faithful tune
Well I'm goin where those chilly winds don`t blow



***Snow and freezing rain mix weather in NH***

David....
What kind of drugs are you on today? Just curious that's all? I thought maybe you were going to list all 550+ shows that you attended for a minute there...... that would be a trip, eh? I dare you to....wait, I double dare you to!!

No.....on second thought I take that back, you might just attempt to do it, and the whole Philzone may shut down as a result (LOL)!!
Anyway, I'm glad you've had such fine experiences.......my first being Aug.73' at Watkins Glen. I was probably 3 tents away from you and never knew it....hahaha! Oh yeah, and Mack was 4 tents away from you and we never knew that either...haha!

Well, as far as the anti-D's go, I would like to agree with you, but it's just that I really feel that for some folks they're probably a life-saver, and I would hate to disuade someone from taking something that may help them if they truly NEED them. Remember bro...... you never needed anything before tx, so that puts you & me in a little different postion than some other folks. Some good people have issues with depression and the like, and might need some meds to counter those chemical imbalances in their heads....even before tx, so you can only imagine what it's like after side-effects kick in!!
Now, for me personally.....I feel as you do, that I made it without any, and I'm glad I did, because it's just another drug to have to ease off of, but if Bruce ( or anyone out there), has some tendecies toward schizophrenia, manic depression, or anything of that manner.....then please make sure you closely monitor these things with your Dr.'s so that you don't go off the "freakin" deep end. These drugs were being prescribed are powerful stuff, and nothing to be taken lightly, that's for sure.
I know you weren't advocating for anyone not to take them David, but I just wanted to re-iterate that if a person needs to they are not neccessarily any weaker for it, and EVERYONE should at least consider it. I do agree with you most certainly on Pegysys being the easier of the Interferon drugs.

....Anyway, back to Dead shows.Was that brown acid made by Osley, cause I can't recall to many bad batches of Osley acid. Now the 4-way amber windowpane....that was some shit!!

Watkins Glen '73....

>I was probably 3 tents away from you and never knew it....hahaha! Oh yeah, and Mack was 4 tents away from you and we never knew that either...haha!<

Glad you guys had tents....mine was stolen not an hour after we arrived. Only thing left was my dog leashed and staked to a tent pole.

Bruce you'll be phine Keep coming back to hang with us Peace Rob